Pam

Posts Tagged ‘Andy Bernard’

Chirp! (part 2)

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on April 23, 2009 at 8:00 am
The annoyatron

Michael (not so) stealthily places an annoyatron under Stanley's desk.

All week Michael and Andy were plotting how they were going to stick the annoyatron (thanks Chris!) to Stanley’s desk.

“What do you think he’ll do?” Michael asked excitedly.

“He’s going to be so mad,” Andy said.

They plotted what Andy would say if Stanley asked him what the noise was (he was going to pretend he couldn’t hear it), and imagined the triumph they would feel upon “getting” Stanley.

Meanwhile, back in reality, Karen had already told Stanley what had happened to her and that Michael was planning to do the same to him.

So when the random chirping began on April Fool’s Day, Stanley said nothing.

And neither did Michael or Andy — which of course was sign number one of their guilt. If they weren’t the source of an annoying noise, they would have been the first ones poking around investigating it.

When I returned from lunch, Andy and Michael were still gone on break … and so was the noise.

“So where is it?” I asked Stanley while searching around his desk area.

“Where is what,” he said dryly.

“The beeping thing,” I said.

“What beeping thing?” There was a tiny grin on his face.

“You found it!” I said.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about. But whatever it is, it’s gone now.”

Grinning I returned to my desk.

stanley Hudson

The next day Michael came up to Stanley’s desk.

“So where is it?”

“Where is what,” Stanley said.

“The beeper,” Michael said.

“Oh that was yours?” Stanley asked innocently.

“Yeah I left a note on it.”

“Oh well I stepped on it,” Stanley said.

“Why’d you do that?”

“To get it to stop beeping.”

“But I wanted to use it on someone else!”

“Well you should have thought of that before you put it over here.”

Michael had a nervous smile on his face as he went back to his office.

Meanwhile Stanley stuck the annoyatron to a sheet of paper that said RIP and hung it at his desk. Michael returned about an hour later.

“No really what did you do with it,” he asked, convincing himself Stanley was playing a practical joke on him.

“It’s right there,” Stanley said pointing to the sign.

“Rest in Peace, hahaha,” Michael said as he took the toy back to his office.

He played with the gadget for a while, a sickly beeping coming from his office every now and then.

Michael returned to Stanley’s desk.

“What did you do to this thing!”

“I told you, I stomped on it. With my boot.”

“I didn’t think you were serious! This cost me $10! I was going to use it on someone else!”

“I TOLD you. You shouldn’t put something on my desk if you want ot get it back.”

This interaction continued throughout the day, culminating in Michael refusing to turn in some of Stanley’s paperwork to corporate.

“Nope, don’t have time. Already sent everyone else’s. You’ll have to do it yourself,” he said in a hurried panicky voice. I haven’t seen such a retaliatory spectacle since little Margret broke Timmy’s crayons in second grade.

Stanley shrugged. “Fine I’ll send it myself.”

Good ol’ Stanley. Always playing it cool and never giving Michael an ounce of satisfaction.

Chirp!

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on April 14, 2009 at 7:26 am

Karen Filipelli from The Office

“Do you hear that beeping sound?” Karen asked as she came over to the area where Jim and I sit.

We shook our heads.

“It almost sounds like a cricket or something, but it’s too cold for crickets, isn’t it?” She asked, clearly unnerved by whatever was causing the noise.

“Not sure, ” I said. “Sometimes my computer makes funny beeping noises. Maybe it’s your computer or someone who sits nearby.”

“Maaaaybe,” Karen said unconvinced and looking around for the source of the noise.

“Or maybe the batteries are dying in something, like the smoke detector,” I suggested.

“Yeah those DO make a chirping noise, don’t they,” she said and went on the hunt again.

At the end of the work day, Andy approached her desk.

“So you had some weird beeping over here today, huh?” he said.

“Yeeeeah,” Karen said suspiciously.

“It was this,” he said revealing a little metal box.

“You were causing the beeping noise?”

“Yeah when you stick this thing to metal, the magnetism activates this random little beep every once in a while. SO I stuck it to your desk and took it down during lunch time. I guess I’m lucky I caught you on a good day, huh?”

“Yeah,” Karen said with a little edge. “Really lucky.”

Andy also revealed that Michael planned to get one of the devices to use on Stanley on April Fool’s Day. As if Stanley hadn’t been witness to everything that happened to Karen and would be fooled by the same prank.

Yeah, that didn’t turn out so well for Michael.

(To be continued)

What sexual harassment?

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on March 30, 2009 at 8:00 am
What you looking at, Jim? Maybe YOU should be the one to take the sexual harassment training! Huh? HUH? 

 

What you looking at, Jim? Maybe YOU should be the one to take the sexual harassment training! Huh? HUH?

 

I can’t believe I haven’t shared this yet.

So Michael hasn’t taken our company’s sexual harassment training. Not that it offers anything that’s earth-shattering, but still it’s kind of, well, mandatory.

Anyway, the issue isn’t really that he hasn’t taken it. It’s that he brags about not taking it.

Every time the subject comes up.

Like when I had to take the training when I became a new employee at Dunder Mifflin.

“You know I never did have to take that stupid sexual harassment course,” he said. “I don’t know how I got so lucky, but they must have overlooked me somehow.”

I’ve heard this three or four times now. And every time, it’s followed up with him and Andy or Todd Packer or whatever miscreant is nearby having an inappropriate conversation.

Like about the movie Showgirls. Or a TV show that has topless women. Nothing too graphic … but still asking for trouble.

Jim says that’s nothing. He told me before I started here, Michael used to get Playboys delivered here to hide them from Jan. Oh good lord.

Now I’m not a prude. Part of the reason I get along well with my guy friends is they know they can talk around me without censoring themselves or worrying about me getting offended. Heck I even join my in-laws in looking for the bunny hidden on the cover of my father-in-law’s Playboys.

But my boss? After BRAGGING about not getting sexual harrassment training?

I don’t think so.

So I did something about it…

(to be continued)

I could do this all day

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on February 4, 2009 at 4:15 am
"Close the door so it seems like we're talking about something important."

"Close the door so it seems like we're talking about something important."

Our IT person from corporate called Michael earlier this week. We have a new system we have to use when processing sales that has a few more steps than we used to have, and she wanted to know when she could come down to train us.

“Well I’ll have to talk to Pam to see when she’s available and I’ll call you back and set something up.”

Gee, when is Pam available? Oh all the time because I never leave the office and have no appointments or sales calls like everyone else. He does know that everyone has to go through this training, right? That my schedule is the least of his concerns?

I’ve known this training was coming for a while and so just want to get it done with.

So Michael walks out of his office, and instead of calling me in, he calls Andy in. And shuts the door.

And is in there for an hour.

Now I could give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were talking about work-related activities, but I am skeptical that talking about the paper industry could bring about the amount of laughter coming through the door.

So sometime mid morning, Michael emerges, procrastinates some more, and finally makes his way to my desk to ask me when I’d be available for training.

“Anytime. I don’t have anywhere I need to be this week. Whenever works for everyone else.”

He starts to walk back to his office when I stop him.

“You know, all the sales people have to do this training, too. I mean, they are the ones with the sales calls that you have to work around.”

“OK.”

That’s all he says.

Then he calls Andy into his office again.

And again, it’s nearly 45 minutes of laughter and lively chatting.

Lunch came and went.

I left a little later, and therefore got back a little later.

Jim told me Michael finally got around to telling everyone about the training when he got back from lunch. So instead of walking out and asking everyone as soon as he hung up the phone with IT at 9:30 a.m., he dragged this task out.

All. Day. Long.

Insult to injury, pt. 4

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on October 30, 2008 at 2:53 am
You don't want to go to lunch with Jim and me? Wow, add that to your list of biggest regrets EVER.

You don't want to go to lunch with Jim and me? Wow. Add that to your list of biggest regrets EVER!

This is the last of the Andy insult stories…for now. 🙂

When Andy first started working at our office, I invited him to lunch with Jim and I a couple times trying to make him feel welcome. He turned me down due to scheduling conflicts, which was fine. He promised he’d catch-up with us sometime in the future.

Then several weeks later he comes over to the area where Jim and I sit.

“Hey Jim, you wanna grab lunch today?” he asked.

“Uh sure. Where do you want to go?”

“How about Dunderito Burrito?” Andy suggested.

Jim said that sounded great and to meet at his desk at noon.

I felt a little slighted. After all, it was I who had invited Andy to lunch when Jim and I went. And I love Dunderito Burrito! That’s fine if the guy doesn’t like me … just don’t yammer on and on about your life whenever I even give you a tiny acknowledgment.

I didn’t feel too bad about the slight though. After all, this was after Andy had made fun of my husband’s profession, so I really didn’t feel like setting myself up for more of his self-righteous blathering.

Andy reappeared right at noon and asked Jim if he was ready.

“Yup,” Jim said. “Hey Pam, do you want to come to lunch with us?”

At least Jim has manners. But at this point I’d already busted into my own brown paper bag lunch. I’d also had the bitter taste in my mouth all morning of the memory of my previous conversations with Andy.

“Uh no not today,” I said. “Thanks, though!”

“Oh come on,” Andy said in a surprisingly huffy voice. “You know you want to.”

“Nah that’s OK,” I said.

“You’ll be sorry when all you had is a lame bagged lunch and we come back talking about our awesome burritos and how YOU didn’t get one,” Andy continued.

“Yup I bet I will.”

“All right. Your loss,” he said with a ridiculous smirk.

Whatever, man. You didn’t even invite me to lunch with you. And then you make fun of me for not accepting an invitation that you didn’t even extend to me? Just don’t be surprised when I give you the cold shoulder when you want to whine about your life as I’m trying to make it to the bathroom.

Insult to injury pt. 3

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on October 29, 2008 at 2:41 am
No offense, but your husband should probably either find something meaningful to do with his life or throw himself off a bridge. No offense.

No offense, but your husband should probably either find something meaningful to do with his life or throw himself off a bridge. No offense.

A few months ago, Andy wandered over to my half of the office to chat with Jim and me.

He brought up his weekend plans to try a new restaurant in town.

“I read a good review of that place,” Jim said casually.

“Well I never listen to what food crtics say. I think restaurant reviews are worthless,” Andy said.

“Woah, woah, time out,” I chimed in. “My husband writes food reviews so let’s hold up before you go any further.”

“Well I don’t mean to offend anyone,” Andy said, “but really what a pointless job! I can go eat the food for myself. I don’t need someone else to tell me whether it’s good or not. And most of the time they don’t have any idea what they’re talking about anyway.”

Don’t mean to offend anyone my @$$! I don’t care if that’s how you feel — that’s fine. But after I have made it known that this is a personal attack on my husband, wouldn’t you have the common sense to keep the opinion to yourself until I had cleared the area?

He kept talking for quite a while, but I had my headphones on at this point with music blaring for fear I would flat out kill him if I heard anymore.

I guess not all of our jobs can be as meaningful as being a middle man for the paper industry.

Insult to Injury pt. 2

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on October 25, 2008 at 4:52 am
Gosh people without money are SUCH losers.

Gosh people without money are SUCH losers.

“Hey Pam, how you doing?”

“Pretty good, and you?” I said to Andy without making eye contact just trying to reach my destination of the bathroom.

“Eh not bad,” he said as I’d almost reached the door, “except I have these cousins coming into town this weekend that I just can’t stand.”

Dammit. Do I look like someone who came over here to listen to your problems?

“Oh?” I say positioned next to the bathroom so I could leap in at the first break in the conversation.

Andy starts complaining in depth about these cousins. The black sheep of the family apparently. The one married a girl no one approved of. They had money problems for a while and had to live with his mother-in-law, who sounded a little crazy and controlled all their money. They’d buy cigarettes and lotto tickets instead of food, etc etc.

I nodded along. I had family members like this, too. Probably wouldn’t air all of their dirty laundry at my place of work to a stranger, but that’s just me. Apparently Andy felt these trespasses were atrocious and unique enough that the world should know.

And then, he totally lost me.

“I mean, these people don’t even pay off their credit cards every month,” he said, now that he was in an unstoppable rant. I hadn’t said a word for at least two minutes now. “I mean, they’ll usually only pay the MINIMUM each month.”

They only pay the minimum? My God! These people don’t deserve the air they breathe!

Thanks to some tough times at the Beesly household (and the rest of the world the last time I checked) we too only pay the minimum on our credit cards each month and have had to function that way for quite a while. It seems on planet Andy, that puts you on a level of people unworthy of associating with him.

I cut him off.

“Well I think a lot of people fall into that trap with credit cards or they hit a rough patch and just can’t do any more. Hope your weekend isn’t too bad!” I said shrugging as I pushed myself into the door with the word “Women” printed on it. I don’t think Andy would follow me in here…

How did “Hey Pam, how you doing?” turn into this???!

Next up … Andy insults my husband’s line of work. (No offense, but….)

Addendum: After comparing notes with Karen, we’ve come to the conclusion that I might have misunderstood Andy this time and, considering his own credit history which Karen knows a bit about, that he may have meant that his cousins don’t even pay the minimum balance on their cards. Still, it’s a dumb thing to say when you know nothing about the financial problems of the person with whom you’re speaking.

Insult to injury

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on October 23, 2008 at 3:23 pm
You can't put a price tag on pictures like this.

You can't put a price tag on pictures like this.

So I’m sitting at my desk pondering whether I should go to the bathroom or not. Andy has been particularly chatty lately and he likes to latch on to me on my way to the bathroom.

But every time I have a conversation with Andy, he insults me. Usually it’s unintentionally — if you can call not taking into account how others might feel “unintentional.”

First it was my wedding. He was talking about the budget for his wedding with Angela and how expensive the photographer was going to be. I told him about my own wedding and how we used a student from the University of Scranton’s photography program. The guy had an amazing portfolio, worked for cheap, let us have rights to the images so we could make as many copies as we wanted and gave us lovely pictures.

“I wouldn’t trust something as important as my wedding photos to an amateur,” Andy scoffed.

Yes, clearly I thought my wedding photos were worthless and hired the first bum I could find to handle them.

I left him alone to his whining over wedding costs.

Since that conversation, Andy booked a pricey photographer. But he also has started purchasing some photography equipment and has been peddling his wedding photography services to other friends who are getting married.

Apparently his friends should trust an amateur…as long as that amateur is him.

Next up … Andy makes fun of people with financial problems. Like the Beeslys.

Help unwanted

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on September 11, 2008 at 2:50 am

When we have a deadline for a major project or sales push, Michael rarely helps us. But we have discovered even worse than Michael not helping us is when he does help us.

I do a final glance over all order forms and paperwork that leave the office to make sure everything has been filled in properly. I check them extra carefully when I know Michael has had a hand in them because he often will enter mistakes on the forms when he is “fixing” them. Or he’ll goof around and make copies of the order forms and alter them so they say funny or dirty things. I have to diligintly check to make sure these don’t accidentally get mixed up with the real deal.

Like the time he filled out the form as if it were from George W. Bush and filled it with “Bushisms” and presidential references.

We had 10 mintues until the packages had to be sent to corporate when he came out of his office chuckling and showing off his handiwork.

He put several forms to be sent to corporate in my “In” box and waved the funny form in front of my face.

“Is that the only copy?” I asked.

“Yes, isn’t it funny?!” He prodded.

I didn’t laugh.

“Are you sure it’s the only copy. Because if THAT gets sent to corporate…”

“Oh Pam, it’s FINE. I do this ALL this time! It’s no big deal! It’s funny!”

Why didn’t that make me feel better?

“I’m serious, Michael. That won’t be funny if that gets sent off with the other forms that look exactly the same, and I don’t have time to check the pile you just gave me again before they get shipped.”

“Bah!” he said motioning me away with his hand as he moved on to Andy, who roared with laughter and praised Michael’s jokes. Especially the implication that the president would be using the paper he ordered to roll joints and get high.

I prayed we all still had jobs the next day.

My quiet place

In Entertainment, Humor, Television, The Office, Work on May 28, 2008 at 3:26 am

Andy Bernard

My husband called me at work. He was having a really rough day and needed to talk. I asked Phyllis to take calls at the front desk for 10 minutes and stepped outside with my cell phone.
As he was pouring his heart out to me, Andy and Angela left the building for their lunch break.
Andy spotted me and couldn’t control himself. He purposely starts walking closer to me and says in a loud voice:
“Hey Pam! On a private call, Pam? Trying to find a quiet place to talk? Looking for a place where no one will bother you, Pam?”
I turned away from him and caught a peek of Angela slapping him for being obnoxious.
Luckily, Mr. Pam understands. He’s read my blog.